Hi.....u know who i am. Don't even try to label me. I Don't Give A Fuck... Never Did, Never Have and Never Will. "What more do you need of proof, human hands conforming clooven hoofs, for i know the secrets and lies behind all truths". Knowledge is power and the power is mine. It's all mine!!!!!

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		Wednesday, July 7, 2004 Last night... got an email from prayash, he failed in class 12 exams... I don't know does it means he will loose one whole year or just few months.... but in any case... this will have an big impact in my life and in his too....this is the closing entry of the blog.... I saved everything of the blog in the back up... I enjoyed writing here... expressing myself....in a point of time.... I have a clear picture of most of the things now....I am determined now...Take care everyone and best of luck. Goodbye@ 7:00a.m. Tuesday, July 6, 2004 Woke up at 1...missed both lunch and breakfast.... washed and went to Justin's office... It was good to know that he and his wife have overcame the grief of Grandpa's death.... His wife told me that she hasn't heard from the new student.... so I am just waiting..... You are a part of me for sometime... in each thought... in each movement... in each place I visit...But there comes a change in life where I can't recall your face... I forgot your smell.... I failed to see support and care.....I am not angry but have accepted to take things as they are.....I won't be posting here for a long long time.....I am fed up with lots of things.....I deeply know that I am going to break apart soon.... and I have accepted it....instead of running away from the fear.... I have made my mind to confront it and keep learning.... I am looking forward to re-born like a "baby" to someone's else... Child@ 2:00p.m. Sunday, July 4, 2004 Do you believe in Karma? I do belive in Karma. While unwantedly being in the Nepali class during my secondary school..... I do remember that the teacher used to say, "Karma" means the things we do and the things we did. All the persons doing it are bound to get the results of it. Everything in this world has two parts... one is Cause and another is Effect. and these are the same words which are defined in different ways as per the situation... like good or bad... right or wrong... lover or cheater... happiness or sadness. At each moment and situation of life... we try to make a rational judgement saying it's correct and that's incorrect... I am right and you are wrong.... its wonderful and that's disgusting... so what are we all trying to do with the different kinds of words that we have learned.... we are trying to make bring the "effect" factor... we are trying to interpret things... and this is the cause of having certain feelings when faced with certain things. What I want to say is that we have choices in life. One is in finding the causative things which leads to a more geniune and commmonly accepted values.... and don't panic... cause we also have the freedom in the final interpretation of the result. Let me give you an example. When child are born.... usually people celebrate.... in most of the religious practises... but in the case of Islam... people cry and shred tears.... when someone is born cause they think that someone joined the earth, the place of sin. Also in the Islam religion.... if someone dies...people are happy cause they think that the dead person will go to "allah's place". who is right and who is wrong in interpretation of the same incident??? noone has answers. even if one has the answer then its void and bias cause the knowledge he has gained in based on the certain other environment. I hope that by now everyone understands that we are just like the wire... which transmits electricity across it.... if something at one end receive then we just pass it to the another end. In this sense and amid the various worldly activites, we all are simply a conductor. Here is basically where my view regarding the world comes...... a world (each individual) within a world (earth)... may be at two opposite different sides. Destiny's Child@ 8:09p.m. Thursday, June 24, 2004 So, the exams finished yesterday.....Then the night followed with reckless drinking.... This time in life is like a ripples of sometime which has recently passed..... A beautiful time which will never come..... I am trying to bring it back.... But I simply can't.... The same feelings and escaping patterns had occured in the past on a number of things...I am on a new class thesedays.... Thinking about how to earn money... How to roll a career..... Where-ever I go... I make a mental list in my mind....Now, even 10,000Won looks so expensive...I really feel wasted....over-hyped.... and words over-typed....I feel so sad and sorry for a lot of things......But I will be what I am.....I know that I am falling soon...and I don't even want to scream. Tears on the shoulders@ 4:29p.m. Satruday, June 19, 2004 Lately its all been pretty much shitty. I gonna sell myself in the market... I got the potential buyers... So, its show time... how much will MY BLACK ASS worth...... The first day to the job was fucking diasterous... Before going to my first class... I felt like I was a virgin... Who is soon going to be raped..... All frightened... and all shocked up... But deep down I knew that I will enjoy all those shits... I am a fucking bastard... I had my priced of 4lakhs... but the horny mothers were all prepared for the game... with their "huggling" skills all sharped up... I had to bring my price down to 3.5 lakhs... basically, in this new job... I am baby sitting three mother fucking Korean childs, all of age 12. We were going through the fav. songs... where they had to try to sing with the lyrics... and u know what they went for... "TATU"... with one boy pretty fast to impress me with his updatedness... THEY ARE LESBIANS... I was like HUH?... anyway...I know that this class with me a bad ass pain for me.... The good thing is that they paid me my one months money today... so, I will spend the night making my shopping plan but this time very catiously..... I don't want to share it with anyone this time.... I haven't got paid from the lab since last two months. Everyone shares their pain, sorrows and trouble with me... but when its fun time... OHH... FUCK ME.... I am always the first one to be deleted from the party list.... You hate life so much when at each moment you are turned down... Like this recent example... I was fucking ill and my eyes were all blood-shot red with the new viral influenza.... The exams are running..... Moreover, I wanted to make a good impression in my first class.... I wanted to get my hands on some piece of teaching techniques so that I don't have to run like a panic striken chicken in the class-room....spending much of the time in re-composing myself.... BUT...BUT...BUT.... there weren't any one who could whisher the magic words.."Don't worry... you take a rest... I will do it for you".... hahah.... With the first glimpse of the world each morning when I open my eyes... I think about some people...... till I go to sleep..... and what do I get in turn.... Do they think about me.... (apart from coming up with the idea of how to reduce me... or how to hurt me....fulfilling their mean needs)... they go with their divine words..... You have lots of time... Don't worry. Oh.. fuckers... everyone has been saying the samething to be since ages back... and I can't understand that... When your needs and wishes comes in the spotlight..... there isn't anytime left... but when my time comes.... We all have ambient time... LIFE IS UNFAIR @ 10:54p.m. Thursday, June 6, 2004 I am such a bad ass.... Cause for most of my life I could never overcome indolence... I prefer to write a five pages essay sitting on this uncomfortable chair and immersing myself in the imagining that soon I will be hit by another fortune.....rather than getting up...and giving life a program. I'm seeking alienation from everyone but at the sametime something is pulling me towards them.... might be "the calling" of the duty... or I just wanted to be a part of the feudling. Now-a-days, I am emerging out of the guessing game.....Life will take long to be the same as it once used to be. I am re-evaluating every thing, present condition, future ways and overall me.....Its a turning point in life....which might mean taking a break and reinventing myself once again.... One thing has changed in life... might be cause of the age.... I am now a bit clearer that life means an accumulation of lots of years.... much of a slow and steady "turtoise"..... even though its not my type. With the infatuational global economy.... noone is sure of what is the best thing to do now.... so all of the people are living with depression... insecurity....choas...... insecurity has filled the global sentiment... See this is what we get out of the world..... The older demographic portion of the world were doing lot better. I guess so. And you know what I think is the best option now.... its retreating.... self-investing... either on one's health or polishing our skills... might be getter more diversified degrees.... more real life working experiences....and preparing in the best way for the unknown fate. THE PRESON @ 9:53p.m. Thursday, May 27, 2004 "We" belong to the eccentric world..... there are lots of ways in which we can associte ourself with others... like sorrows, pain, joys or loneliness..... one good point of learning to live in isolation is that we have clear view of ourselves and we learn to see a lot about both sides of things....and before arriving to a more generalized and accepting solution to the problems..... we go to the extremes of goodness and badness..... so basically lots of trail and error workouts... we speak a lot... basically "cheap talks"..... either it be with the world or with ourselves.... we keep on talking..... non-stop... on different topics... under different emotions... proving everything.... BUT there comes a time for silence... a deadly silence in life.... and this might be the hardest thing to do especially when we grow up.....different kinds of silence... for e.g. fearful... peaceful... sadenning... diplomatic... or just SILETN SILENCE.... pure energy...endorphic...may be its the silence what most of the yogis or enlightened persons experience..... but I know that I am much silent thesedays... I was never such in my entire life before... I fought back... to every person and every idea... to every situation.... but now no such desires.....even the dreams where I am chased by the cops for the "setted-up" cocaine usage... and even long after the whole plot is unrevealed.... I keep on running....until I wake up hearing the alarm on my mobile.... later I try to remember all in details.... smile at myself.... cause atleast in my dreams I am alive....I am on my feet.........since yesterday had a worst migraine headache.... couldn't do anything.... not even sleep... tried to smoke the pills meant to cure cough.... a couple of months back... I used to smoke this non-functional pills at a daily basis...until my olfactory organs gave up... and since then I have a constant problem of running nose and cough..... physically I am diaster.... mentally awkward.. and emotionally disturbed.... the remaning is spiritual.... but I am open to all religions except Christianity and Islam. so, where am I?... THE PRISON @ 7:23p.m. Monday, May 24, 2004 Saw Sumpoo .... and other bunch of guys... smoked a lot... even drank bhang.... played badminton... good to know that Anisha had opened a tution institute.... at least I still have something beautiful to look at in life which is not robbed off from me... lots of people were asking.... who was the duppee or the dumper..... they don't understand how hard is it at the begining.... when I was failing to understand that once I get the mechanism to get along with girls.... its the same process.... nothing is so dreadful.... "If you were a tear in my eye I would not cry for fear of losing you.".... a few people came in my life.... and they all were like a dictionary, they added meaning to my life.....I thank them for that.... now I don't think much about people anymore.... I am thinking about myself... in a few years time.... especially about my career...... How to make money?... Usually people tell that B.E. is a perfect degree to get a work.... first as an internship... and later they will extend it to full time..... but look at the irony of Korean education....I am reading Environmental Engineering..... but working in the field of ecology.... and right after going to Australia or US or Cananda... I can't find a table work cause I haven't read in their education system... and when I do Master in Engineering.... I become over-qualified for the job and they hesitate to take me in cause they have certain basic salary for masters which they are unwilling to pay... and they won't hire anyone with Korean degree....So, forcebly I have to give everything away..... and start everything from new.... but its fine with me.... I do things for a small time... and when I do... I give my 100% in that.... whether it be love or study.... and I can't hold on for long...if I had committed myself for long terms... I might have ruined someone's life... Its good that people are learning to be independent by themselves... THE REASON @ 2:10p.m. Sunday, May 23, 2004 Searching nepali communities living all around the globle... then writing them emails.... or even adding then in the messenger... trying to find out their work.. and living conditions..... after scrolling down the end of the site "www.sajha.com"..found lots of sites.... some are proving helpful but not that much.... yesterday went to Rock N' Roll for a short drink with Melanie and Irene... I got another project for the summer.... writing the report about the study of lagoons in the Eastern Coast of Korea... Unwantedly I am being pushed towards a new career..... earlier in the morning... filled out the form for next "International Symposium on River and Lake Ecosystem (ISRLE)" which is going to be held in Wuhan, China from November 1 till 11.... also I have heard that the "korea-japan joint limnology symposium" decided to continue on a yearly basis... which means i might be going to Japan again in the next year.... but I don't know... cause this summer I am coming up with a story that I am going to Seoul to study TOEFL... so i hope that I will get one months vacation from the professor..... but I have to work hard to get the abstract done before I leave... and I have a whole book to study just to write it.... tomorrow I have been called for a briefing regarding the project.... and on June 18th we will have a seminar of "lagoons" on our university... people from different universities and govermental agencies are invited.... they are again putting me in the front line...... I am in the managing committee...... In summer Irene's family is visiting her... it sounded optimistic when she told that her father is a civil engineer.... so I hope to meet him and learn about the work in canada.... Beautiful world.... strange plays..... same sufferings.... different solutions...... praying for happy living and learning for everyone...... Buddham saranam gacchami @ 4:00a.m. Saturday, May 15, 2004 coastal weather....as known to all of us.... its sunny in the morning.... then as the afternoon sets in....... clouds hold a gaint gathering as if its a hollowen night.... and finally at sometime in the night... they do their job.... of shedding tears.... giving a relief to the eyes...... and then floating consciously and unconsciously into another world of dreams.... where faces of near and dear ones play..... usually repeating the things over and over again..... I think that somehow they became to be familiar with the working patter of Einstine ........experimenting the same thing over and over again in the hope of getting a different result.... lots of human brains are programmed malfunctionally........ always wishing to have a negative experience.... desiring to fail..... I don't know why.....is it to find himself in another horrific scence...... so that he can put himself in his scale of self-rating...... see himself once over again... and be happy knowing that he had been or could have been a whole lot worse and things can't go worse than this........I don't know. I am still due with the paper thing... but I just lost the concentration....the crazyly driven mind obsessed to choose words and to fill them with life..... is perhaps still sleeping... even though its 3 p.m.......tomorrow afternoon is my deadline to give the final copy of the two papers.... I am done with one and working with the another one. my fingers are hurting after a long chat with chat dad...... I absolutely love chatting with dad...cause its all funny...... during the whole course of conversation ..... we go like typical masculine "MEN" ..... full of ego's...stories of accomplishments..... prides.... its no one's fault....... maybe I am just self-deniying to accept the fact that nomatter how much I want to be.... I can't be a kid again.....and even I can't give me myself the results of my expectations....... so chance of letting the world know my HUGE expectations from them........ life looks beautiful.....as I am taking notes at the end of each day..... and the coming days are promising of even greater lessons...."GOD BLESSES ALL OF US".....I think he hates all the legal stuffs......and the copyright issues........ so complying with our "individual" entity.... he treats us.... with different things....sometimes with snow and hail...sometimes with sunny days .....Holy jesus.... nearly forgoet.... its PRAYING TIME.....korean are pretty bad with english pronouncation......they sound like "preying" time.... but it again brings another question of "PREDATOR OR PREY?" *********************************may be i should try writing for "sandhya kalin"....in case NY times turns me down.....****************************** Peace @ 11:00a.m. Tuesday, May 4, 2004 I had gone to seoul for 3 nights and 4 days.... met some friends.... it was great.....since almost a half decade.... everyone I met in my life was pronouncing I am thin and weak..... it was a real torture...... personally I feel that fat people are a big problem...... they take two most precious things from earth.... one big thing is "space"...... and another precious thing "oxygen"...... u must have seen how much space fat people take when they sit in a car....or a bus... or even when they stand infront of you... blocking the whole civilization from your site.... and again imagine how much oxygen they will consume in a day... just to continue the metabolism of their body cells..... and the irony is most of the cells are seemingly useless through out their life........ let it be.... I couldn't resist the furious persons in my surrounding who like to be known as "well-wisher"......... my personal record...{48kg while leaving for nepal ..... 54kg while leaving nepal.... and now 53kg}.......despite being poor in mathmatics...... I calculated the whole thing..... and i came with the conculsion that I need to add....5 kg of flesh in my body...... which will hopefully keep the people from commenting on me and giving me their unwanted advices...... but its life..... one thing seems to settle and then another thing steals the calmness or peace from us...... I am growing old.... I memory isn't serving me that well as it used to do.....for example.... since past few weeks..... I am carrying a pocket calender...... its one of the nice thing..... we can go back to a few years....... but still I can't find a date...... which will mark the catastrophic economic downfall of my life........ I want to find the exact date cause....... when it comes next year...... I want to curse that day and may be mourn for a minute........ or may be just note the day as the dark dates of my life......the debts are getting much like my disproportioned sized nose...... (that's not true... I have a normal size nose....... *okie, okie.... its just a bit bigger than normal*....but I insist its normal)..... I again borrowed some more money to cook something.... you know even till this date... I don't understand why people believe so much in me but just with money...... do they already know that I can't return it back and they are just patiently waiting and calculating for the moment to come.... so that they can take unfair advantages from me......I don't know.... Ingredients: 1 pair of running shoes...1 vest...1 half short.....and socks......1 family pack of cornflakes.... 1 big honey..... 1 box of noodles.... 1 big pack of herbal and ginger tea each..... a big pack of vitamin C tablets....... a small pack of vitamin B tablets..... 1 kg of "kaaju"...... 1 kg of "pesta"..... that's it..... woke up at 6 and went to the racing track and ran for 1 hour.... about 4 km....its 9 in the morning here.... I have a class..... so more later on..... take care... Words O' Words @ 10:00a.m. Wednesday, May 5, 2004 Dear prasid Lots of pyar to u Good to hear that it is ging to be printed ur name in the news paper and ur articles. Thank u very uch in ur progressive life. Again thanks in sending money for the three fammily picnic. We r very much gratitude for this. In fact u r our property and we r your property so we don't need the paper property. Prasid , we r very much pleased with ur hard work. God bless u. I think remembering u, u do some thing for ur carrier and never follow in the bad habit. I talk about u when I am talking to some one Because of ur love and affection. When we have program at home, we just remember. Muntuli, take care and keep in touch. From now on i also write to u. ok? urs sister dear prasid pyar gr8. and accept my greatest congratulation to u for ur gr8 beginning in academic era. it is indeed a pleasure for all of us who wish ur success in life and at the same time it is also a pleasure for Nepali cause u r the one who began writing in this tender age and got international recognition for it. But, this gr8 has cost in life, the cost is how to keep on writing and keep on the image that u r stepping in. at this point I wish that u reflect on ur writing and put more efforts to maintain the dignity that u have now and do better than u have now. I wish god to help u in this academic regor. regarding the money, I do believe that it ur hard earn currency. so instead of spending the money it would have been deposited for other business. and we would celebrate ur success with our money. take care prasid I asked you if you liked me, you said no....I asked you if I was pretty, you said no.....I asked you if I was in your heart, you said no......I asked you if you would cry if I walked away, you said no.....So, trusting you I walked away.....never to come back..... LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I would die soon @ 12:00p.m. Friday, April 26, 2004 The exams are over....they were okie in general.....the weather is worsening day by day......after staying outside nepal for a while..... I learned a new way of uttering words.... the things that goes in nepal.... is just a course of event..... like the days of my childhood and my teenage....and I know my limit.....as these all are just the matter of calmest observation..... the pictures of the intregration and disintregation going inside me is quite normal with the rest of the persons. I also no longer feel the anything going as I feel my hands and foot and my mind.......I am still trying to realize my destiny..... there is smoke and cinder but not a fire yet........ the thoughts my mind produces are just momentarily.....and the next second, they fade away.... and I think they have to......I think this detachment is good....casue if it lingers longer.... then my mind is set for another chronic and painful period of both subjective and objective depression........but still I don't know why I am feeling so lost...wandering aimlessly...... there were a very few things in life that inspired me to work harder ..... stay longer in the night.... and still motivate to wake up earlier the next morning.... but I am just wore out of the emotions now.... like a ripe fruit which falls off from the trees.... I am not depressed cause of my economic condition or I am alone........ but it came to me that others are looking at my life very closely......I am happy....... once there was a time when mom expected me to do something, then its dad's wishes and now younger brother's expectation..... FINE if me and my life is meant to be like a DONKEY's life laden with dreams and wishes of others.......I don't regret and blame myself for not coming up with my own map of life....... am like the general men kind, who pride themselves in doing things and acheiving the result.......I just wish I could sleep like i used to hugging someone.... life is strange...... the ocean that I am seeing now from my window is just great...... its vastness ..... the disapprarances of everything within it.... the lack of transmittance....... its just great...I love it.... and I feel so lucky that i am atleast near to it..... Peace @ 1:00p.m. Friday, April 16, 2004 You may break the vase if you want but the memories will still linger there.....As the summer is swinging in.......its helping me that much. No more depression, so no more silly thing to do. I know that the next week will be a big one. Cause my family is going to write down all the expectations they have from me and the course of action that I am expected to follow. COOL. At this time, when my life is pretty aimless and I am loosing desire of doing anything, its good to give life a goal....as it will help me to give some guidelines...makes choices from the available alternatives...so that I can find myself....people deal with different ways....we all need a reason strong enough to look forward.... to wake up early in the morning and stay a bit late in the night.... For some months i have been still in lots of ways...which means that I am comfortable with myself....I am back in my working place.....with new desires which I got somewhere on the way to the city while I was going to get a pack of "ginger tea"....For some old desires....I knew that there are certain things in life where i simply have to go away.... the whole review that I give to myself for that action is "leave it"...as it is....for I want to live "life in a day" and there must be 365 such days in a year...... and I have to live 24hrs. a day......The exams are from Monday....the enthauism is soaring....optimism was never so strong.....what else is needed to say... Shining like the warm sun @ 11:00a.m. Friday, March 19, 2004 I don't know if I like working all the time. and when I say all the time, I mean all the time. I still do what needs to be done. But anything above that, nada. I'm such a bum. Today got a present from my sister......Guess what.....Its "Men are from Mars, and Woman are from Venus". Am going through it and everything written seems like nothing but simply great. I've always loved books. Last week had gone to meet the new canadian gal....she is cool and pretty smart. Just something that's been on my mind lately. Two new girls in the university seem to be interested in me. One I had met in the sports festival...where we exchanged our phone numbers and also a promise to call on weekend....and for the another one....she is really mysterious. She shouted from the girls floor...."Is that Prasid, who was dancing?"....Well yeah, before last weekend, I rocked the small party that we had in front of the dorm....*Grins*...So, I looked up in embarashment and shouted on the top of my lungs, "Yes, its me." But, there was no one......It happened twice...so I have to find it soon...plus her english also sounded good than rest. I wish I was seeing someone more immediately......or may be just talking to someone. I dunno, maybe she really is finished being with me. Sometimes I really wish we could hang out like old times though. Ooops....I have promised not to think of the same thing again. Horny @ 11:00a.m. Tuesday, March 16, 2004 Memories are spraining beautifully. I don't know what it is about growing older that makes us want to go back. Maybe it's the memories. Maybe it's the fun we had. Or maybe it's just a morbid desire to figure out where we went wrong. Let it be....Everything for us is written already as our destiny.....so why to worry for the unseen future....I am working and why shouldn't I enjoy the life in the mean time. The news guys came....they are okie....world resolves around money and power.....and as I long as I have at least one of them....people will come back to me. They had an auditation today...it went okie....but seems like for them to be selected I have to ask some of the friends. Suddenly things are not so painful now.......as they used to be....so I guess life is going on finely. Just a vaccum that will fill soon. All are ma fuckers @ 1:50p.m. Sunday, February 29, 2004 Well the great days began in life once again. I usually go through a dark period from Septemeber till February. As March set it....I am again back in the race....in the right track....with lots of motivations and inspirations. The only thing that I know is that "I want to Rock n' Roll". After this period of cyclic painful depression, I am a lot better than I used to be. I might not be better than other...but while comparing with myself..... with whom I was..... I think now I have more truer nobility and positive energies inside me. I always had complain with my home that why don't they email me much often and update with the things....cause that was a way in which I could feel that I was the part of the family which will always make me come back and enjoy for a while. After chatting with dad, I was really stunned when I got his view. He told me that, as Bhinaju is ur best friend.....and we all believe that he is much more enlighted than us. So, we wanted our son to have a great company of him and to give continuity to the regular communication, he was given the responsibility to email me in the first place. I just thought that my family was really naive towards me....but sweet them, they assured themselves giving me the company of Bhinaju. Well, now with this understanding......I love my family even more. If they believe that I can grow tremendously, traversting a path of growth until my last breath then I also believe that that I what I exactly stand for in life....Then I will rock the show. Now I am trying to sort our all the negative energies.....by surrounding myself with those persons who have promised to themselves that they are going to give much more positive energy....which will enrich and uplift me...and raise my energy levels. The whole transformation happened in just a few weeks time.....I am very glad that I could make it in such a short time with much efficiency. I am really really Happy. Cheers @ 2:50p.m. Wednesday, February 25, 2004 The whole week is also coming to an end.....seems like there will be lot of parts which I can't just delete....and I have to accept that they are the part of my daily routine and carry on with life. In a relationship, usually we don't know when we hit the button of "enough is enough"....and only when time moves a bit, then it comes to out mind that we had hit it. Something more or less happened to me. A very fine dotted line, of love and pain, is always present in a relationship...and may be that's why we all feel painful being in a realtionship. Lots of people take it as an opportunity to grow....But I am thinking aren't there no other ways to grow....why do we have to be admist the pain... and does that growing up will be justified by the mental and emotional prices paid. Should anyone be blamed or we should just accept its the part of the process or "growing up". I simply don't know. Nowadays, I feel like, from the birth, I was the last dinosaur...who had to compromise in each and every step of life.....but I don't know the reason....was it my fault for being in that situation.....or my inability to change things.....or my lack of optimistic mind..... or just to give continuation of so called "life"....or to be a "GROWN UP". Confused @ 11:00p.m. Monday, February 23, 2004 Two years ago, the very day, I left Nepal...... with 550$ in my pocket. In two years, I calculated that I had earned about $6,000. The figures are big, for a full time student, who is studying in Korea. Giving 9+ hours in lab and patiently learning in another language is not a joke. These two years were just a wish fulfilling moment for me and I am sure that to live that life again I have to wait at least for 8 years more when my career will finally roll. I hope that those memories will be with me until I have such similar time again. God, even I can't believe that I changed so much in these two years. There are a lot of stories unwritten in this blog and may be they should never be written. But those dark moments of one's life were still haunting even then. The insecurity, constant fear, aggression, hate and loneliness.... hit me hard....and I guess I landed the ground on my head instead of the legs. Those were the two years...where I had the extreme of both ends....goodness and darkness. When life was following one, I flew with it....without seeking balance between them.....neither I put effort in amplyfying the goodness nor darkness....... things were going and may be, by luck, I was on one of the high horse of life. I hope to keep looking back at these two years for a long time to come. May be it also happened to you as well, when lots of action is going and only later u realize that what had actually happened..... the knowledge came to me that the time had passed with much of the lessons unlearned.....but I don't feel pity.... I will look back at this time...with the hope living such a life again...may be in a lot improved way. @ 1:00a.m. Sunday, February 22, 2004 Its almost the end of February and as I write here in this rainy day...Other thing are bothering me a lot. Last friday was our Graduation Day..... It was a really touching moment. For the first time in my life, I knew that sooner I have to cross that point and have lots of decisions to make. When I saw the list of big 75 graduates, just 10 persons were working in my major....rest all choose different career. It was pretty dismotivating. Some who were good and smart, had already bought car and were busy making their dreams come true...... but a lot of others didn't seem doing so well. Soon I also have to immerse in the pool of job market and till now I am unsure about my skills and abilities. The job market is so competitive. All the dreams seems so distant. Moreover, since few months back, I don't have even 10$ in my bank account....so its also making my life too difficult. I know this is the time that I have to get serious with my life. Although I am going through a difficult time...financially, emotionally and physically too..... This time will also pass like the good days passed. I come from Nepal. I had spend most of my developmental years of my childhood in taking care of family affairs and rest..... the communication that I used to had were much based on the social, ethical and moral values on which our society rested. I knew that there must be some better alternative....and that's not the end of me..... so I moved to Korea... in the hope of finding another prespective.....in the lust of finding a time which will reflect me via another language and earning the Knowledge with will help me communicate with the world and myself. Growing up in a foreign culture was attractive at that time plus materializing someone's dream was also satisfying. But lately things are not working out cause I am failing to balance betweent the two cultural learnings.....the personalities of me are divided. After spending some months with the Westerners, I am tempted to head there....to transverse another polar. But the problem is I am not getting a clearer image of that world. All the things look so murky and I am really scared cause I don't have no other choice to make. When I first left Nepal to carry on with study in India in 1999, I had made a promise to myself that I will come back only when I become someone great. Seems like I need to sleep more. Nervous @ 11:50p.m. Wednesday, February 18, 2004 I wish I could make myself write in here more often. Whenever I try to, everything I wanted to say suddenly disappears. I find expressing myself lately a difficult task; I always have too many thoughts in my head, that everything overshadows itself. I felt there was a small period of time where my emotions had fallen numb. I miss being 16. Before life got hard. Before I really had to care. Some childhood memories just violates all sense of sanctuary I have in my mind.....but I was too peacefully disturbed to be violent and act out; plus at that point I knew no good would come of it.....I'm scared to say that I really am, I'm too cautious now...but it dawned on me sitting on my bed.... Thinking of my father possibly dying on me...That through everything; I am happy. As long as I can fake a smile; some laughter and humour...life will go on... If you know me personaly I am always second guessing what I'm thinking or what I'm saying...trying to make sure I'm not fucking every thought up. I am going to sleep now; close my eyes and hopefully see the stars scattered across my ceiling...posters are not hanging from single staples...my bed will be warm and comfortable...the lights will be off; with few candles, and moonlight shining through my blind. I will close my eyes..and I will be happy...I will be with my sweet memories....and the very presence of her will stimulate my senses and metabloism. What else can you do when you are alone and tired of breathing; all the things going wrong and you just can't stand the pain any more... Sick of hurting @ 11:50p.m. Friday, December 12, 2003 My soul is lying naked.....money, love, care, fun, smiles, providences and each of those shits stripped .... and I am still doing good cause if I didn't have anything at the first place so there's no loosing. Life is like a man lying in his coffin. If you ask, how are you to him? he will say I am just fine. Seems like I am born psycho. hehe..things come to me in a different way. There are hundred ways I can loose you and just very few ways which will bring you back to me. Challenging the theory of fitness, am jogging on a daily basis. Sorting things in a organized way with an apparant correlation give me ultimate satisfaction cause, as spoken, everything is connected to something other. Enclosing in oneself and exclusing the immediate world will help to see oneself from one's own eyes and finding the discrepancies. The major cascading effects in one's prespective with the minor alternation of the outside behaviour is vital to gain the insight provided we are riding on the top of waves instead of flowing with it. Falsificative theories and comments aren't totally disproved cause there might be ways which are out of one's current knowledge to probe it. And as long as we are searching, I think we are not lost. i BLAME u @ 11:00p.m. Tuesday, December 9, 2003 NO money even to buy a smoke.....deep in shits....its a great way to start a New Year. But I am not sure can I make it till then? lets see what life has for me. Where's the frantic FFFFFUUN of my life? Hope they will return to me. FUCK I need money. Frame of mind@ 8:00p.m. Saturday, November 1, 2003 yesterday night, I wonder why I missed her so much and couldn't believe that I even called her twice. Wanted her to come online but she said, "I am tired and want to sleep". So, didn't wanted to force her so quitely came back to the lab all by myself. Felt reluctant at the situations, poured half glass of Vodka and to avoid the suspcious eyes of my co-worker, mixed it with the traditional Korean tea to cover the odor and quitely sipped it. I bet it wasn't that bad. After a while, went to the roof and watching how the starts are twinkling in the loneli Halloween night. Couldn't stop thinking about her and just how much I wanted to lay my eyes on her. I know that she doesn't feels much like I feel for her but even that doesn't bothers me much. I am sorry, I have completely, fuckingly, madly fallen in love. She wrote to me that "you are always an intelligent and smart friend of mine...I respect u a lot". It sounded nothing but miserable, pathetic and felt so bad. why am I bringing this up? Today I ate so much in the lunch.......... I had food disorder sometime ago but now I have to eat for ME. For a while, foods.......just foods are on the menu. No drinks and much liquids. I feel so fucking disgusting looking at my slim body. Someone please help me out by telling me how to gain 5 pounds? Just completed the downloading of "The Sorpanos".... hope it won't be a disappointment. I will be writting more later on. Thanks to Holy Jesus.... it was a pretty good movie. And even at this insane our my favourite Korean twat(waste water treament gal... I do have a lot of wasted water that need to be treated) turned up to invite me to share a cup of coffee. Couldn't refuse cause she was so tempting..wanted to grab her hands and tell you look so beautiful tonight...but saved it for someother time. One good news, the new Canadian gal is in the town. Hope she is straight but I doubt it cause she is sharing the apartment with Melaine. So, thinking to give Melanie a call and hook up for a drink for tomorrow night at Rock 'N Roll. Oh..man I miss being at that place. I feel like released and free to get my freak out. Lately I have been feeling that something is taking a big part of me... and u all know how much I hate it. Oh... my devilness...bring all the darkness to me. Saasha@ 12:00p.m. Friday, October 31, 2003 It feels like coming home after a long journey..... I missed writting (bitching) a lot. But for now I don't want to go listing what had happened. Since I came back from Nepal, I don't have a job but now money is on top of everything else... so time to hunt for one. Korea is a sick place, the only job that I get is of a Teaching small kids... its hard... when you find that your mind has decayed a lot due to the climatic effects of Korean lectures in the uni. and then again you have to teach english to the Korean kids. Now I seriously think that I won't have any child of mine cause I just can't handle them for a long time....life just seems to be a big fucking letdown..... I was offered a Sunday job in a local Orthodox Church... So turned up my ass there this morning, but after being there, I ambitiously finalized not to do it. After coming back from there, all I wanted was just "kind-of-sit" there in the ground for some time and think about something but.... the Ukaranian slut turned up and started talking. She gave me some chocolates.... Almond coated by Hazel Nut. I wonder where she found that but didn't bothered to ask her. She forced me to go for a short walk and I can't believe at myself cause we were doing all those wierd little exercises. Finally, I smelled that if I don't leave her alone right at the moment... I knew that insanity will follow me. So I asked for a excuse to take a nap and surprisingly she let me go. It was then when I had the feeling that today is my lucky day. I had exams in the afternoon.... it went good. After that I just ended up standing in the steaming water trying to melt my soreness away. It worked for the time being, but then I got out of the shower and tried to brush my hair and I got the worst head ache. I don't want to think about that right now. Have a class again....so I should better be going. More may be later on. Recoiling@ 2:00p.m. Wednesday, June 18, 2003 Fuck the exams are just days away. So, 'm as busy as a cat burying it's shit. But, still have sometime to keep for myself. Bloody Oath!!! Seriously speaking if there's something that worths bottling, then it's this ----> Metallica::::MAMA SAID Mama she has taught me well Told me when I was young Son, your life's an open book Don't close it fore it's done The brigtest flame burns quickest Is what I heard they say A son's heart's owned to mother But I must find my way *Let my heart go Let your son grow Mama let your heart go Or let this heart be still Rebel my new last name Wild blood in my veins Apron strings around my neck The mark that still remains Left home at an early age Of what I heard was wrong I never asked forgiveness But what I said is done Never I ask you But never I gave But you gave me your emptiness I now take to my grave Never I ask of you But never I gave But you gave me your emptiness I now take to my grave So let this heart be still Mama now I'm coming home I'm not all you wished of me But a mother's love for her son Unspoken, Help me be I took your love for granted And all the things you said to me I need your arms to welcome me But a cold stone's all I see * Repeat Let my heart go Mama let me heart go You never let me heart go So let this heart be still Stoked@ 7:27a.m. Thursday, June 12, 2003 have you ever had one of those days where it just kinda dragged by then progressivly went downhill until you just want to kick somebody. of course you have. I think I am going to puke, I can just feel the trouble creeping up on me. waiting to pounce on me and I am just holding it off with all my willpower. I am so going down. today teaching sucked...usually I enjoy it but today every kid in that place had decided they had to go crazy. must I count him and give a final try? I wonder if he will ever be here. if I will ever see him and if I will ever wind up with him. damn. "who will be there, when you need someone......a good word......count on no one and no one will let you down" I had a series of trippy dreams this weekend. that always happens when something is going to happen. I don't kow but does that make any sense? does anything makes sense. we chatted over the phone yesterday she asked me one of the most diffcult question to answer and my mind was blank. I wanted to tell her the truth but much of the things are beyond my control. I couldn't tell her the truth that she was the perfect girl for me or something similar to that. so I just changed the kept the silence for a while enought to keep those words inside me. for the rest of the night I could not just stop thinking about this girl, this girl of so many words. haven't heard from family since last 3 months. my younger brother mails me once in a fortnight or like that. I hate my parents they never listen to me they make me fell like the lowest shit. I wish they could listen to me for one time but they never do all is nood there head and "yeah-yeah, sure.... and later on .....whatever" but the bright side is "I am free".... no more obligations..no more rules. I can't wait until fucking vacation starts in only 2 more weeks and then I am there where i will do have some serious mad sessions going. and added to that things are really getting old i mean this country, it is boring the shit out of me there is nothing to do when I want. I need a break. at this point I shall say good night. Wanked @ 10:25p.m. Monday, June 9, 2003 ...Have you ever been over someone, but you're still trying to cope and deal with what happened to you? Like...you don't want them anymore, or have anything to do with them, but you keep wondering what the FUCK happened? what their real intentions were? I can't help it. But anyway, I am cool as always. Hope this thing will wear off when i wake up tomorrow in a new day to get a good dose of ultraviolent. Chill out@ 5:25p.m. Sunday, June 8, 2003 A strange feeling came to me and made me believe that i am a river. Which just flows without a boundry, without any expectations where people came to get satisfied and it's where the meaning of the river lies. When you come to the river, you might be a few of those lucky who can swim with it and drink the pure water, or might be not that much of lucky if you show nothing but your selfishness and give a damn to it. Flow with me@ 6:25a.m. Thursday, June 5, 2003 I am feeling really good....seems like I have felt so good after a really long time. Really, everything seems so good and each minute of the day is so pleasing. Now, I don't fight with my ideas cause they are so pleasing....I don't have to prove myself over anyone...I don't have to swear things...I don't have to hate anyone. I think I will miss the moments that I am having in Korea. Infact its the best moment that I have ever felt consciously and realized the meaning and reasons for everything. There are hundred of problems to be taken care of, thousands of uncertainities lies ahead but I am calm. PEACE UNDERLIES. The perfect word for the moment to describe my present state. Now I think I can continue like this cause I have derived meaningful conclusions from the past experiences, found out the reasons for failure and also tried to give plan to my future life,feelings and desires a meaning. I have felt fucked up for a fucking long time for no good reason but not anymore. At times I was sucked up with the past failures and unpleasing moments...and at times I was sticked with the future plans and joys that I will had in the moments to come and I forgot to live in the present. Feeling like I have got something and ain't afraid and worried even if I am going to die tomorrow. Have you ever felt that moment where you are not laughing not crying at someone or at yourself, are not complaining, not smiling, not excited, not depressed....you name all the emotions we have....but in the end you will find sometime for yourself where you just enjoy being normal and doing the normal things...like watching the sky, listening music, smoking etc. You simply don't want to run anymore for anyone or for anything....and you take everything as it comes....and the world inside you is static and you love the silence and the beauty cause you have already put it through a constant test over millions of times and whatever you have deserves to be well taken care of. Take care of sweet you, yourself. Peace@ 9:25p.m. Wednesday, May 28, 2003 Metallica - The Unforgiven II. She layed beside me, Tells me what they've done. Speak the words out I hear, To make my demons run. The door is locked now, But it's opened if you're true. If you can understand me, I can understand you. She layed beside me, Under wicked sky. Blacker days, darker nights. We share this paradise. The door cracks open, But there's no sun-shinin' thru. What I've felt, what I've known. Turn the pages, turn the stone. Behind the door, should I open it for you Yeah, What I've felt, what I known. Sick and tired I stand alone. Could you be there, 'Cause I am the one (a) waste for you ? Or are you unforgiven too ? You lay beside me, This won't hurt, I swear. She loves me not, she loves me still. But she'll never love again. She layed beside me-he-he. But she'll be there when I am gone. Black heart scarring, darker steel. But she'll be there when I'm gone. What I've felt, what I've known. Turn the pages, turn the stone. Behind the door, should I open it for you Yeah, What I've felt, what I known. Sick and tired I stand alone. Could you be there, 'Cause I am the one (a) waste for you ? Or are you unforgiven too ? Serpent @ 7:36p.m. Monday, May 26, 2003 I feel great and good when i see that no matter how hard a person tries to lie, he simply fails. No matter how much energy it takes, it will find its way out. I don't know why are people attracted to someone so strongly. Why some relationships go so good and some won't work no matter how hard we try. Every moment in life is an unique one. The magnetic attraction and the feelings that I sometimes feel with another person without even a word being spoken is a truely wonderful experience. It's true that sometime i am scared of myself cause life is really going in a cool way as I have seem most of the things. Whether it's by accident or something else but I now believe that there are things which are outside my control and I just have to follow it cause I can't control it and ignore it as if it never happened. Is it truely a spiritual love or just a proof of my dysfunctional behaviour, I don't know whatever, but it seems like there's a cause to believe and moreove I am glad that I believe it. I don't have a definition for love but I can feel it. But at this point even when i know that there are troubles ahead, lots of disappointments i am just relaxed and not worried even a bit about it. Life is really cool when you find yourself and it's even greater when you find yourself in the eyes of those whom you want to be seen. LIVE YOUR LIFE @ 1:36p.m. Saturday, May 10, 2003 Is there anything like real joy, real happiness, real love, real freedom, real feelings, real bliss? Subjective and objective worlds.....both exists but at the end corners and to find a bridge between them is really difficult. I don't know what I need to make these natural enemies flourish within me cause I need both of them. I am still unanswered to millions of questions and rejecting my emotions isn't helping much. Even in socializing with the people, at certain point when I find that the incompleteness grows louder, the uneasiness cries out of the walls, the confusion engulfs then I am lost again and it takes ages to find and to convince myself. I don't know how people take and handle such feelings and are those feelings real or just a part of my imagination but I simply can�t put the blame on anyone. When it gets difficult for me to understand their joke and to make them understand me seems nothing but just impossible, it's when I think that I am in a prison and to make the journey for reaching another person seems nothing more than vauge. But what happens if you try and you fail. Can you be bothered to rise again, try to rebuild yourself just to find yourself from falling? Was I sleeping while the whole world had grown up. Is this what you call a free life, free world? What�s the meaning of the whole freedom when you can�t find yourself in the eyes where you want to be found in the way you had dreamed of? Will you go on blaming that person not for seeing or on yourself for expecting.. I don't know. Don�t you feel the need of someone with a deep bond that keeps you from disintegrating, balancing you and somehow manages to share each of you feeling, passion and misery too. Whether such people exist or not, I don�t know for sure. Now I have conformed to my feelings for myself... as one of the dysfunctional being from the day I came on the earth. Ohh..man..all I need to do is to think and think and think. i was dying to get into Nepal and get some drugs and some counselling. Jesus...i need it the most now. My mind is just driving me crazy and i can't control it. Think@ 11:50p.m. Saturday, April 26, 2003 Well I am back again. My mind is exploding with trillions and trillions of feelings. Damn and when I see it for whom I am thinking then comes the image of that bitch. When I am thinking what I searching for then i find myself more and more and think why I choose such a difficult way to live. But may be I find the meaning of living a life before death if it ever exists. I put myself in really weird positions about which people talk only. I want to experience how it feels to be a looser and how it feels to be the winner. I wanna feel the meaning of being retarded and cool. I wanna see myself in hundred of possible situations. So I think I am a unique explorer. I wanna see how would the boy feel when his girlfriend is telling him to be a flirt. I wanna put the mask and how the things which I am not. I just wanna see how the mask looks on me and how much I find myself putting that mask on. I don't care about people but I do care about myself a lot. I care how I feel and i live on such moments. I want to push everything on the verge of destruction and in that peak of point I want to find myself. I know there are lot of chances of overdoing and bad experiences but I am not afraid. Really i am not afraid to break-down and to be proved that I am wrong once again. This is how i want to live my live. For such moments that few people have experienced and I want those moments to happen everyday. I want such emotions to come every second so that i can see how good I am doing. I want to put myself in a constant test and what I really want to see is that I am going to succeed. I don't care if I am mis-interpreted or things like that cause when there are fucking trillions of soul lying dead i am just happy to laugh at them and that's where I find my life is fucking too short but not small. I don't know whether I am on an ego ride but I think it's not that. Every fuckard wants to feel that whatever he is, is a great thing; whatever he does is great; and whatever he thinks, no matter how he thinks is indeed great. So we all are fuckers. A big fuckers. About this girl, I have two feelings. One side of my mind sees that she is just closing her eyes and running blindly from every questions and from herself. So one part of my heart feels pity for her and it's where my love for her stands. I strongly believe that I can help her as a backup. For some questions even I don't have the answers but what I want to give her is hundred of options, hundred of examples, hundred of experiences which I am truely known and then i want to set her free so that I she can make her choice. I can hold her and slowly open her eyes and stand right there with her so that she can face everything. But another side of my heart finds that I am trying to give something, if truely asked, I am not sure whether I have or not. I am trying to help someone who doesn't want. So, I blame myself for failing but it's not me who the blame goes. May be i have seen something inside her that she has overlooked. May be i am just bombarding her with the useless feelings and thinkings of mine. God who fucks in the hell only knows. Some people are good at making love and some are good at falling in love. I easily fall in the later one and i think she is trying to find herself in the former one. That's where the fucking problem lies. It might be her kind of expressing love but for me it's so boring. I want to feel the internal vibes cause its the first important thing for me. When i put myself in her feelings then what i realize is that she is trying to fit herself in the former one. That's great. But if you fail then you would want to scream for the things you have lost and they are not going to come back again for you baby. Sorry for knowing you more than you have known yourself. I pray to the god that you can prove that you can stick to it. Don't change baby cause if you do so you will just open another door of mysery from which i wonder you can save yourself or not. About her, there are 100 things that i want to change and i also want to get changed. Cause no matter how much we resist, Change is the only constant things in this fucking world. But now i have to be satisfied with what i have experienced. Now, i am ready to enter the state of AWARENESS. The journey which will continue untill my last breathe. Don't compare me with other. Cause if you do so, you suck to no end. Life is too short if you really go and hunt yourself, your mind, your feelings, if you put yourself in others position, see yourself from anothers prospective. Fuck... i need some drugs. When i just go to sleep in hopes of never waking up, but then there is her.. who makes every moment of unconsciousness feel like a blade across my throat. I am getting retarded to no fucking end. I need a break. Love you all. Be Cool: 4:50p.m. Sunday, April 20, 2003 I'm spending WAY too much fucking money, and I don't even have shit to show for it. I've been having some seriously shitty days, for no particular reason really. I just say fuck you all, I don't wanna see anyone, don't wanna talk to anyone, so I shut myself in my room all day. I'm tired, My back hurts like a fucker!!!! I'm bored. Lately was thinking why friends keep acting shady, school bites more than ever, and even my parents are being shady. Sometimes I wonder why life works in these fucked up ways. My headache has proved that it's my best freind after my loniless who won't leave me, nomatter where ever i go and what ever i do. There is something that's keeping me restless. All i want is the fucking truth. Don't i deserve that???? god damn it. The daily things that used to keep me busy for all the day are proving ineffective. The whole things is confusing me and that's when i said to you, Wish I could prove I love you, But does that mean I have to walk on water? When we are older you'll understand It's enough when I say so And maybe some things are that simple. God damn her and her stupid insensitive ways, her unability to even try to understand. God damn her and her not being there for me, not caring about how i feel. God damn her and her bullshit. God damn her and her breaking my god damn heart. God slit me. for falling too hard into what turned out to be a cold, dark, lonely hole. I hope she finds happiness in whatever it is that she has that I don't. I'm not good enough. I never will be. I AM over dramatic. I AM stupid. I'm disgusting and terrible and I really don't want to live. I hope she's happy to have me out of her way. So many things I could have done differently...and she would still be with me. Can't stop looking back, critisizing everything I've ever done. NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE SOMEONE LIKE ME Look at me. You know i'm right. Shut up. Fuck off. Fuck it all. i'm going wild tonight. Fuck You All: 10:29p.m. Monday, April 14, 2003 Yes....Tomorrow I will change and today won't mean a thing. I've always wanted to be free from people and relationships cause I'm scarred for life from falling off once again and get bruised. But i shall try again! I don't really know what to write... I just feel like writing. I don't even know how many people actually read about my life. How fascinating can it be? I wish I could just smoke some weeds here in Korea. Life would be so much easier but i even don't have a real chance to take it. Anyway i am going back to Nepal in July 1st weeek. Shitty! Soon enough, I shall get high. I know for a fact I'll get stoned retarded and apparently there'll be some serious mad sessions going on that when i reach Nepal! I have these mood swings happening... I never usually have mood swings... I'm either good, or not. My moods usually change gradually, over a lengthy period of time. Not anymore. A single word can change how I'm feeling. It's weird. Feels weird. I want to kill someone. I want to inflict serious damage upon someone/something. What a release that would be! God... Back to cutting or burning. At any given moment, I'm never really sure what I'm thinking. Or truly feeling. I hate even being. And something just occurred to me. I know some of you are groaning because I'm bitching again. But you know what? Screw you all! Yes, all of you. Everyone irritates me to fuck. I know I'm a cool person and all, but I hate it when people crush on me. Am I weird for thinking that? I don't like crushing on people either. Crushing is so redundant in its entirety. Why don't you have the balls to just tell the person you like them, and ask them out? They say no, big whoop, you move on. Life's a bitch, get with the program. So this is a message. Don't crush on me. I'm not looking for a girlfriend. If you think you have something to offer me, if you seriously think I could get serious with you, ante up! Show me you've got the confidence! Otherwise, bugger off. Damn, those were some bitchy paragraphs. I didn't anticipate that coming out, but alas. Oh yes. Long enough damn entry for tonight. At times life is not easy. Goodnight all, don't have too many wet dreams. my words: 5:47p.m. Wednesday, April 1, 2003 I hate it when they tell me what to do. I hate it when they give me their opinion when I didn't ask for it. I hate it how they laugh at my ideas and force their own. I hate it how I have to be right in their eyes. I hate that I can't do whatever I want. I hate rules. I hate expectations. I hate standards. I hate alienating myself because I do what I want to do and not what others expect me to do. I hate not being allowed. I hate being controlled. I hate the world of loneliness my bedroom creates. I hate my lack of ambition. I hate my lack of drive. I hate hearing other people talk about doing things I want to do as well but can't. I hate getting comments on my journal from just one person even though I know many people read it. I hate being taken for granted. I hate being overlooked. I hate being talked about. I hate crying alone in my room. I hate not knowing what I want. I hate not being in love. I hate not liking someone. I hate my body. I hate fake people. I hate it when you smile at me, but actually disapprove. I hate being used. I hate pretending I'm okay when I'm really not. I hate talking. I hate running out of medication. I hate waking up in the morning. I hate breathing. my words: 10:47p.m. Wednesday, March 26, 2003 i am back with a fucking bang. don't know where to begin. everything is really fucked up. look at the world, it's fucked up with the war, look at the the weather outside the window, the things that used to charm looks scary now, look at your fucking friends, can see the eyes of emeny within them. Look at yourself, you will find yourself fucked everyday even more intensively by known and unknown. Damn, WHY are everyone such assholes????????? why????? i would like to be spoon fed in this matter. don't have a freaking clue about it. Sunday, March 9, 2003 I know that i am ignoring to update the blog. And when i opened it after, how long i don't know, i realized that it's almost 20 days since i last updated it. Lots of things happened. I don't know where to begin. Met with srijana but nothing special about her. Seems she needs a counselling more than me. lol. poor libran. Thesedays just studying. Nothing is in my mind except studies, money and hatred. Fuck i am again begining to hate everyone for no any good reason. Anyway it's not an intersting subject to jot down here. Last friday, Melanie kissed me. Damn, couldn't believe but she did. Melanie has re-colored her hair. Previously it was white now it's grey. Seems the whiteness all weathered off. And nina too, her hair was a bit pink and reddish. Damn, she is already so funny to look at cause she is a korean and i don't know from whom she gets the idea to make herself look ever funnier. When i saw her, i couldn't hold myself and i laughed out loud. Darrell, in the background kept on saying it's beautiful and you look gorgious but i couldn't lie that much. I had called Jodie last week. I thought that her birthday was on March 6th, so i send her a doopy birthday card. In the card, the couple were having sex and it was written, bring in your birthday with a bang. and i just wrote Happy Birthday to you... lala..la...la. The dumb part is yet to come. It was only when i met Darrell, he told me that Jodie's birthday is on April 6th. So, i send her a vicious birthday card one month earlier. Damn.. but i don't care. I will call her later in the week and ask when she will bring her ass over here. Now is dinner time. Again have to eat. Ohh... no. : : Jotted @ 4:55PM Wednesday, February 19, 2003 Nothing special going on. Just fucked up a little bit. My own kind of having fun, throwing up the middle finger and calmly walking away. Its Damn cool. I'm fucked up pretty bad, what more can i say? Wake up in another faded day and wishing i could float away, to some other day. i need to move on, learn to walk a faster pace. I repeats those words, that i never could quite say. At times feels like i wasted so much time and now i lost the race. Just want to sink away, to some other place where i can rest in peace for-ever and ever. My heart is cold as stone, consumed with hate and rage. Slowly strangling them, hoping to learn to breathe. I'm ending this lame ass entry filled with my stupid problems, addictions and dreams. But you chose to read my journal so... what else did you expect?? haha, have a nice time. : : My words @ 6:55PM Monday, February 17, 2003 Just slept for the whole day. Later in the day, met Justin. Nothing special. Feeling lonely today. Or everyday. Never mind. Hope to go to city tomorrow for dry-cleaning the Jacket and buy some things. And i think i will have hair cut this week-end. : : My words @ 8:19PM Sunday, February 16, 2003 Woke up at 9. Then get prepared and took a bus to Donghae. Then, met the girl. She was really cool. I was just there to see my job-place and met the boss. He seems okay. Had lunch with them. Was drinking beers during the lunch. I didn't even want to look at it but anyhow shared some glasses. Then, you know usual farewell and i came back at 3. Browsed for a few hours and had dinner. Feeling damn tired. Really, wanna sleep. Hey, one thing, Jodie is coming tomorrow. Man, Fair suck of the sav! Your mate is waiting for you!!! : : My words @ 5:30PM Saturday, February 15, 2003 Feeling like rooted today. Yesterday's dinner was really good. I didn't knew that Nina's birthday was on 02/14. When i reached Rock n' Roll then Darrell told me that today's Nina's birthday and she will be joining us later. Anyway, the party was a ripper. In the evening i had some cold pills and a shot of Vodka. Later hit the piss. There was one friend of Nina and man she was a beauty. But i forget her name. Damn it!!! When we couldn't realize each other, Darrell took out a camera and starting snaps. GOD....i'll upload it when he gets the prints. I was gutful of piss. Later stayed at Darrells place. I puked twice. I think it was due to the cock. Mixed everything Margarita, Coldies, Vodka n some pills. Damn it was too much. I wish i had realized that before. In the morning when i woke up felt terrible. Took some asprin and i felt better. Later in the day just browsed, read for about 1 hour. The highlight of the day is i called Justin today and he has arranged me a part-time job. I'll met the people tomorrow to finalize the terms and conditions. Wish luck for me. Better be off for today. Feeling sleepy. : : My words @ 7:40PM Friday, February 14, 2003 Fuck yesterday's meeting was a disasterous one. Really i regretted coming downtown and meeing that bitch. Aghh...she was being all girly. She wasn't like that a few months ago. She kept asking me what my plans were for Valentine's day and i told her i'll just go out with some friends. Then she's like well you haven't called for 3 weeks. So, i instantly had to make up some fucking stories. She looked really terrible yesterday putting on make-up and shit like that. I couldn't bothered listening her crap any longer so i said i'm going home. And she was like fine do whatever you want. So i left. lol. I swear i won't see that bitch again and let my heart make decisions (at least for that twat). Cause really, the whole time it was like wasting peppermint breath. Ahh... Forget it. Anyway, things are slowly getting back to normal. Today woke up at 2. Then i came back to lab. When i reached the lab, fuck it felt like a typical summer day, i was sweating. Yuck.... Really it was hot and i was very fucking hungry. Rang the Domino's pizza and odered a Cheese pizza. i just finished the last piece right now. The season is changing, finally the dark winer is about to be over. Now i think it's the right time for me to change and once again be a normal folk. I talked with Justin today and i can smell something good. Most probably i will be working from next week. Claps...CHEERS..... Today is Valentine's day. I wonder if i'm ever going to find anyone. At times, i really do wonder how that someone special will be. Anyway i can wait till i find the right person. I am not in a rush. Send a few e-cards to some mates. Thanks i won't be alone tonight. In the evening will go out with Darrell and Mel. Nothing much is going on. But gradually i am feeling a lot better. The manic depression is about to over. Thanx Evilness.....i promise i'll be in touch you. : : Make luv to me @ 6:40PM Thursday, February 13, 2003 Tomorrow is Valentine's Day. But i've never really understood the real meaning of V. day. YOu mean only on the special day, people really show each other how much they love and cherish them? Hummm...Can anyone help me out. One thing happened today, today the Korean language class finished earlier. I was saying her can we wrap this up a bit earlier. But she was saying that no we must study two hours. What the fuck? The horrific part is yet to come. 15min. before ending the class, she opened her bag and gave me a pack of candy. And there i was like with my mouths open. Clueless.....Does she like me or what? Come on, no more games. Fuck the shit off. I seriously think she's a fucking air-head. And has a mind of a 12 year old but trapped in a woman's body. She's fucking 22 so don't tell me she's a kid and is making a fucking fool out of herself, making her go after someone like me. Talking to her, I'm not sure but things she did today really weird me out. I didn't asked anything, just took the chocolate and thanked her. The chocolate was nice as per my taste, blend of chocolate and hazelnuts. I'll see her again on Monday's class. Then i will find out that fuck all of this is about. Then after dinner, met Justin. Chatted with him for 1 and half hours. Had a cool time. We took a short walk upto the small opentheater in the uni. Highlight of the day, i hope he will help me to find out a job. Was really kind of him. Fuck i am in need of money so badly. Tonight going out with some friends. Hope i will have a good time. : : Miss me @ 6:40PM Wednesday, February 12, 2003 Woke up at 7. Again because of the dream and added to that had a pretty bad hangover due to yesterday's cock. Went to grab some breakfast and then again to library. The whole day just read. Took the language class. I am a bad student of korean language. I never revise it again. It's that much what i read in the class while my eyelids always threatening to close. Later in the evening, visited Patty's office and when she knew that thesedays i am reading books in the library, she looked utterly shocked and horrified. Finally she told the silence and told she is going to get a video camera and send the clip to the "World's Most Unbelievable Videos". God that was quite embarassing. Anyway, it doesn't hurt that much anymore. Umm....What else has been happening? Yeah, since last week i have been seeing the fucking dreams of horror and murder and things like that. I woke-up at 3 in the morning cause of the dream. It scared a hell out of me. Then, lit a cigr. and took a hot-warm shower, released all anxiety and fear and again tried to sleep in my warm bed. I think that a ghost is behind a devil(me). Heehee.... I nearly forgot, Shailesh, called me from India. We were just chatting and then he just called me. It has almost been more than 3 months since i last received an overseas call. Was nice to hear my brother's voice. It took me to a ride where i once again remembered my stay in India. Although the place was like hell but had the best fucking movements of my life. I need to be with my people, the freaks, the dark and brooding vampyra. I have to break into that scene but it's gonna take some dollars. Everything boils down to money. It's true! : : Fuck me @ 9:40PM Tuesday, February 11, 2003 Woke up at 6. Tried to sleep again but just couldn't. All these people hanging around is frustrating me to no end, and the stress! oh the stress. Don't know what to do. i was pissed. Trying to find my way to spend my time. Dammit i feel the urge to do something new. I'm bored out of my fucking mind. Yet very awake. My escaping instinct finally found a nice place to hide for the moment. You wanna know where it is? Ummm...it's the university's library. You might be thinking what the fuck am i doing there. Bhattarai in library, what's wrong with him? But it's just more than perfect for the moment. I studied 7 straight hours which is astounding. And in the end, i couldn't believe that i did it. At least i have managed to keep the qualities of good student intact. But i don't have a experience of reading books in a library and my ass is paining a bit caused of the fucking uncomfortable chair. Anyway, the day was pretty productive and finally I can enjoy the peace, although it's imposed. But, later in the afternoon, I caught a cold. Fuck me. And you know how much i hate cold. Rushed to the university clinic. The lady was nice and said, "Don't panic take this pills and you will be just fine." Felt like an angel who is healing my heart but with real passion. That's just what i need for the moment. Pills...infact a variety of pills, mainly sleeping tablets. I want to sleep all the time thus avoiding confronting life but the other part say come on fuck this world. Are you leaving the battle without giving your best shot? without getting yourself heard? Can you live like with that guilt? The answer is of course NOO.....I'm the gladiator. But, i had a headache due to the cold. And the doctor (it's me) who knows what to do with the pills (even it's cold drug). Went straight to the shop below my room. Brought two bottles of beer and make cock and then i was again back in the full motion, swinging my wings fully, flying high in the sky. : : Let your wings flap to reach me @ 7:40PM Monday, February 10, 2003 Thanx god today i managed to wake up at 1 for lunch. Then prepared for the Korean class. The bitch was pretending to be nice cause she didn't turned up on Friday's class but i pretended to be angry with her. It was quite fun to hear her saying "I'm sorry." After the class just browsed and read news. Then at 8 took a cab to Family Mart and ate sandwitch and some juice. Then, called darrell if he could join me but he couldn't. What the fuck? Had another thought in mind, go to Rock n' Roll and have some clean shots of Vodka. But second thought, may be next time cause i didn't want to just go there and drink alone. It was raining. I usually hate rainy days but i liked it today. It was raining softly just like the snow falls out down the sky. So, thought it's better to walk back to university. It wasn't that bad cause i had some songs by Mudvayne, which i had managed to transfer to my MP3. Was about to be swim in the moods of death metal but then encountered with Nina on the road. You all know how much fucking small is Samcheok. Just said hi to her. And shortly afterwards i ran out of battery. The mp3 just stopped playing and i was fucked up. Luckly, i was near the World mart. Popped in and brought a pair of them and again i was back to my journey to my lab. Tonight hope to download some songs by Old Mans Child. Getting fucked bored. : : Miss me @ 9:55PM Sunday, February 9, 2003 I've been sleeping a lot better since putting the big bed in. I can do gymnastics in my dreams now. I seriously do not feel a slight bit of tiredness before 7am at least.. then i sleep and wake up when it's dinner time. Good thing about it is that i get to watch sunrise everyday... I usually wake up way too late for that. Man, i woke up at 8 in the morning and then lit a cig. Then begun thinking that may be i should get piercing in my nipples. I don't know how this wonderful idea came. As you know, piercings are a great sexual enhancer but first i've to get a girl. I've been obsessing about most females I know,wondering if they'd fuck me or not. I need some hardcore sex so bad. Wanking does no good. I need the feeling of flesh on mine and the next girl I manage to convince to have sex is gonna get ravaged. I crave someone to console me and share my passions too. Someone who loves the same type of music, art and dreams especially. It's not just about getting my rocks off, though it's been too long and we do have needs as primal beings. Again slept and woke up at 6 p.m. and went to downtown with Svee and her b.f. While we were eating and chatting Nina just banged the side-door of the resturant. She was also going out for dinner with some friends of her. Was good to see her exactly after 2 weeks. Then after dinner called Darrell. But i don't know what the fuck happened with his hand-phone. No-one seem to be picking it up. I wonder what's happening with him. I will meet him and Mel. real soon. Umm....Tomorrow.....not a bad idea. Then, we rented some movies and tried to find the new cd by t.a.t.u but this city sucks. No fucking soul has even heard of it. So, i think i have to wait... for how long i don't now. Came back to room just to find that the movie was really really crappy. Full of shit. Then came to lab and found one email forwarded by one old mate. Contained info. about a band called.....six feet under... about death, sex and dysfunctional family. absolutely love it. Enough for today. This will be the end of me for now. : : Slit me @ 10:30PM Saturday, February 8, 2003 Nice to find some emails from some relatives and friends. Was good to hear from them. Just slept till 5:30p.m. and woke up to found that it had been raining since afternoon. Came to Pattey's office and then ordered "Bhibhimpap" for dinner. Hope to go to city tomorrow and buy the new T.a.t.u CD. Praying to god that the music stores in Samcheok has some of their albums. I am getting bored. And one thing, one Korean guy is having dinner(rice and some stuff) and watching hardcore prono. I'm used to it and whatever Koreans doesn't surprises me anymore. They are a moron of a human being. : : Slit me @ 8:40PM Friday, February 7, 2003 Today was a wonderful day. The Korean teacher didn't came. Hurray...Claps....Hey!!someone needs to check out t.a.t.u. They're a lesbian pop duo from russia and they're really fucking good. I'm going to get their cd pretty soon. Here's what the singers say: People love us or hate us. But nobody thinks nothing about us. t.A.T.u is about saying what you feel, not what others expect. Be in love. Be yourself. We are. ------Lena Russians are not dark but we are not light either. We have a different view, maybe deeper, because life is more difficult in Russia. -----yulia CHEERS for t.A.T.u.!!! : : Slit me @ 5:30PM Thursday, February 6, 2003 Woke up abruptly at 4 in the morning. Encountered a horrific dream. I don't believe much in dreams but since few days i'm seeing the fucking dreams of death and horror. Anyway, after have a hardcore wrestling for about 2 hours in the mind, finally managed to sleep again till 1:45. And as usual, fuck i was again late for the Korean class. But for this time, just by 15 min. Anyway, finally make her wrap up the class half an hour earlier. Yooohoo.... My greatest acheivement of the day. Then went to student building with Svee. Then I got lost in the middle of nowhere. Went to the bank and withdrew money, transferred money. Sorted out some of my money issues but I'm still pretty much broke. Which reminds me, I still don't have a part-time job and i know i have to find it pretty soon. Added to that, I haven't slept yet, insomnia never cease to haunt me. With all of that being said, I did finally got a new book on Microbial World couresty, my Prof. : : Scribbled. 7:30PM Wednesday, February 5, 2003 It's snowing since 2 in the mid-night. Snow-white is outside but not are the thoughts cause i'm the Little Devil. Yesterday i bunked the korean language class and today the teacher was so pissed off. She waited for one hour and eventally gave up the hope that i will turn up. Today i had a hard time to make that fucking bitch smile again. At last with all effort she begun to teach. What the fucking shit. I don't wanna learn that korean language and i think she also understands it. But one fucking professor is saying i must do it. For god's shake, i don't wanna do it. Don't impose this fucking shit on my vacation. It's fucking cold and i have to drag my ass to the lecture room and sit there alone for 2 hours to learn the korean which is so boring. Anyway, going to have dinner with Patty and Swee. I hope to wrap the dinner early and come back to uni. In the morning download the new song from Matchbox20. It's cool. It goes like this... I've got a disease. Deep inside of me makes me feel uneasy baby. I cant live without you tell me whatami suppose to do abt it. Keep you distance from me Don't pay no attention to me I've got a disease. Fuck, i like this song. And one more thing, i send the email reply to my-ex. ---------- subject "Stay away from my balls."----------------- I'm done with your lies. I'm done with your shit. You can't get your ass back in my life and stop acting all good. Never thought that it'd happen to me.. but i was wrong. I didn't say a shit when i knew what you wanted all along. You might wanna pull my pants down and give my ass a little kiss? Be honoured when you do just that...Oh yah! FUCK OFF BITCH! : : My Words. 4:30PM Tuesday, February 4, 2003 Went to movie Lords of Rings-II with Steven and Ian. Was good but i just liked the landscapes. Actually during the whole movie my mind was trying to find some cool combination of colors for my homepage. hahaha... you might think i am going crazy and i'd say "Yes, dear you are right." Had a pretty good day in all.. till the last bit anyhow. I get to lab and check my e-mail.. to discover that my rotten ex gf has fired off an extremely vicious, venomous, sarcastic e-mail to me. To put it in very simple terms, she insulted my taste in women.. my profile.. gave me lots of crap. In a relationship what to do and what not do has always stood as a big problem for me. Got me so goddamn boiling mad. I haven't been that mad for ages.!!! An hour of good nepali pop soon brought my anger down and I could breathe like normal folk again. Bloody goddamn hell. I did all I could for that ungrateful bitch. I gave up all I had for her. I worked my ass off for her. And I tried to be the best bf I could to her. But she dumped me. What the fuck... Shall not think of unreasonable, argumentative bitches.Things are getting out of hand with my fling.. she has apparently fallen for me. That's bad. Very bad. I don't want to hurt her but at the same time I don't want to be tied down. I'm tired of relationships. I just want to flying around. Be single and have fun while I'm young. Relationships are just not the thing I want right now. Too damn tired. Too damn drained. Ah well.. as long as I know that many freinds out there would be thrilled to have me as a bf,who gives a flying fuck what that bitch thinks. : : My Words. 12:30AM Monday, February 3, 2003 I woke up early this morning. My lazy ass didn't feel like doing anything and time was dragging on. Hadn't send replies to about 20 emails. So came to lab at 10a.m. and send emails. Then the fuking printer was hitting my ass. Its okay now I guess, someone might have fixed it. Have hell lot of books to bring to uni library tomorrow. In the evening went out for couple of drinks with Steve and Ian at Rock n' Roll. Met them after 2 months. Chatted and get drunk till 1 a.m. I don't know who started talking about the war on Iraq and it took ages to finish it. Anyway without Darrell, Mel. and Jodie was feeling strange to be in that place. Wanted to call them but second thought may be not tonight.Ohh..today Jodie went back home. Finally, took a cab to room. I was tired so took a nap and came back to lab at 4 a.m. And one strange thing, the door bitch at Rock 'n Roll was damn nice today! May be it's because i went after a long time. : : My Words. 5:30AM Sunday, February 2, 2003 Woke up early this morning, at 9, pretty early especially when its vacation. Then got ready to go to Donghe to have lunch with some friends. It was kinda boring me. And added to that the sun was very very mild and i couldn't stop shivering through out the day. Came back at 2. For dinner went to downtown with dima. Popped into a korean resturant. Nice food there, then again, it could be cos I was really freaking hungry. After dinner just walked around in town and finding hell knows what in a minefield or something like that.. no disrespect, but it does feel good to feel somewhat dominant once in awhile, when usually we've always been known as the shit hole. Okay, be off now. : : My Words. 8:30PM Saturday, February 1, 2003 Yoday was chinese new year. Really really boring day man today. The houseowner showed up at 9 in the morning. Invitied for lunch which was like hell. Chattin with her relatives was pissing me off. Lunch was filled with tons n' tons of onions n' potatoes n' rice cakes n' raw meat. Had to struggle to glup the food down the throat. In the afternoon watched T.V. One group was having eating competition to eat sticks of BUTTER! . Especially the way they eat it, disgusted looks. Its just, disgusting and repulsive. This Japanese young gal competed with the rest of the Americans, eating hot dog. She won. Besides, she's so hot. Dima and i were like "is that guy or girl"?? GAHAHA. At first we all thought it was guy, she's like, kinda handsome. Then later, we realized he was a gal, for sure. She has biceps too, wearing those sleeveless athletic top. We didnt even know it until someone raised her hands and we saw her huge big tits. of course from outside the t-shirt. Hah. Todays was so boring. : : My Words. 6:30PM Friday, January 31, 2003 Had missed lots of sleep through-out the whole year. Although the year has just started. Anyway good to see falling back to the old habit once again. Felt good cause i could forget about this manic depression i am having even it was just for a while. Woke up at 5 watched some movies and drank soju. And again watched movies till 2 in the midnight and fell asleep. Havin a lot of free time. But was bored, I didn't wanna sit alone for the day. I need someone to talk to!! don't get me wrong but I am really fucked up with myself. Life's a bitch, so fuck it. I don't know about the travel of time N I've never seen most of the world Diving out of the sky Or living like diamonds of pearl See I haven't danced to a musical tune N I haven't noticed the flowers in bloom I haven't smiled When alone in my room very much I don't know if a doll can unwind Or how to make a person go I don't know how to be what u like N simply open up the depths of my soul So I'll keep my wings, n eyes on the down Ready for nothing but holding my ground I haven't use a particular room very much Just move me like one of a kind. And love me with a different kind. : : My Words. 7:30PM Thursday, January 30, 2003 Finally fixed the fucking computer at last. Srijana got the visa somedays ago. Don't know why i am so excited about. Anyway, today chakra is leaving for Nepal. Lots of money issues going on. Have to solve all of them and i am pretty broke. It's freaking cold and i'm waiting for the ass-fucking hot korean summer. Was drinking beers and watching movies till 4 in the morning. And added to that caught a fucking cold due to the early morning breeze. Fuckers are talking in their weired language. Who the fuck gives them a shit about what they are talking about. Anyway fuck them in their asses. Brought some books from the university library. Hope to read them at least two till the end of this month. Shh. Stop thinking rot. Gotta go. : : My Words. 9:45PM Wednesday, January 29, 2003 Slept till 4 in the afternoon. Then had lunch and came to lab. Formatted the hardware. Met some friends and chatted with them for couple of hours. Then in the evening went to downtown to a huf and drank some beers with some friends. Came back to the room and had some beers again and that guy from the civil department turned up to our room. He doesn't even have a fucking T.V. in his room. So he banged our doorbell and sneaked in just to watching the fucking boring korean sitcoms. Had so share some chips and some glasses of drinks with him. Finally he moved his ass at 11:30 and only then i breathed the air of relief. Then later chakra turned up. Chatted with him and again drank beers. Slept at 2.. woke up at 5 to puke.. woke up later at 8.30 to puke.. pretty much the motto of the day.. sleep puke sleep puke. : : My Words. 8:55PM Tuesday, January 28, 2003 Due to the fucking talks and the theories they had made i slept for the whole day. Didn't wanted to do anything. I was sober and was just trying to find some clues and analyzing how fucking these bastards can be. Anyway fuck them. They are just not of my type. Got pissed, got the scary look again in my face. Thinking to be out of personal relationship world even it's not for so long. People always suck and i know i also do at times. Wanna read sth. Thinking to be a Book worm once again. Phew.... What the shit i am writting. Never mind. It's okay. The new will be coming soon. Till tomorrow i am taking my time off. : : My Words. 2:55AM Monday, January 27, 2003 Why is life sucha boring road. I'm like on an endless smooth-going ride, and no storms is hitting me. Why..O..Why? My friends have interesting lives at least. I go to uni go out with friends, thats about it. Was in library today reading magazines. The horoscope says: You will be experiencing a very emotional roller coaster ride. Hah!!! LIAR!!!. My life's boring like hell man. Chatted with a bro in America. He was saying you are so different from last year. Erm, i are definitely different from most of you. The fact that i'm not nuts. Hello, he gotta face up to reality, n accept the fact that i'm more .. louder. N not so studious. Just today whatever he said, made me pissed. N in the end i was like uh, Okay 'm SO sorry that i'm spoiling myself, but this is the way i'm. Oh god. I fuck ....Hell. I know I've over-reacted, but hello, I'm emotional, okay? Right. Need to go off now. : : My Words. 2:55AM Sunday, January 26, 2003 Slept like dead till 5p.m. Felt good when woke up. Went to downtown with Dima for dinner. Met Nina in front of the Family mart. She looked good and especially i love her hair style. Anyway sneaked into a resturant and had Kimchi-chi-gaae with a bottle of Soju. Couldn't believe at myself. Actually it was not that bad for this time. Then came back to room and had a bottle of Red Wine with Dima. That stuff was good cause after that i slept for 4 hours straight. Woke up at 3 in the morning. It's devils night so came to lab. Chatted with mates who were online. Hope to Call Steve and Darrell in the afternoon. Want to have a coffee for now. SO Hooroo. : : My Words. 4:14AM Saturday, January 25, 2003 Stayed whole night to make the site better. Couldn't believe that i did that. Anyway had a good time. Gotta go to sleep at 10 after breakfast. Hope to sleep till 3-4 p.m. Finally i got sth. to keep me stuffed. Otherwise the laziness was just killing me. Hope to have a hair-cut today. One thing is whenever i am in the hair saloon, i'm always confused about what hair-style shall i have this time. And mostly i will give the hair-cutter the honour to decide about it. :- big exclamation marks. : : My Words. 8:30AM Friday, January 24, 2003 Wokeup at 1. Then went straight to students building to have lunch. No fuckin soul accompanied me!!!! Had no options other than eating korean food alone. Pretended to loved it. But it sucked was having difficult times just to swallow. God i miss the food that mum used to cook. Really delicious. After lunch came to lab and then updated the homepage. Trying to make some changes but all in vain. Anyway finally the day is over. Ciao. : :My Words. 10:28 AM Thursday, January 23, 2003 Finally i made a so called homepage. But i love it. Although much of the Applets are copied from another site it's wonderful cause it's mine and i did it. hehehe..... Claps.... Today Jodie went to Seoul. Had to gasp the oxygen while seeing her off. Then i was stuck with learning Korean Language. Eyelids were threatening to come down but anyhow i was able to hold it. Finaly the day is over. There is so much I wish could be said. But, sometimes the need to say something is clouded by fear. We all know that. Sometimes I feel that the only way I can say something is by writing it. It is the only confortable way for me to express myself. I don't have to directly face the subject of my explanation, and I know I can correct everything later. I don't like saying the wrong thing... Like I probably am now. But right now I don't care. If I say the wrong thing, then so be it. : :My Words. 10:00 AM What Do Girls Whisper Behind Your Back? Virgin or Whore Quiz Tells All! More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva DISCLAIMER MY JOURNAL IS SIMPLEY A GLIMPSE INTO MY LIFE. JUST BECAUSE YOU READ IT, DON'T ACT LIKE YOU KNOW ME PERSONALLY. AND I MEAN THAT IN THE BEST WAY POSSIBLE. IF YOU ARE MENTIONED IN THIS BLOG, WHETHER GOOD OR BAD, AND YOU DIDN'T WANT TO BE...JUST ACT LIKE IT NEVER HAPPENED. I'M NEVER GOING TO BITE MY TONGUE. I DON'T GIVE A FUCK WHAT HURTS YOUR FEELINGS OR WHAT PISSES YOU OFF. IF THTS HOW I FEEL ABOUT YOU THAT SPECIFIC DAY/ HOUR/ MINUTE/ SECOND/ MOMENT, THEN I AM WRITING IT DOWN. I MADE THIS JOURNAL TO EXPRESS MY OPINIONS, NOT YOURS.	Wet It's hard not to touch, not to feel it. Get into me. Style The : Daydreamer. Vulnerable. Arguer. Stubborn. Discriminating, Highly critical, Slacker. Loves : Rain, Snow, Clouds, Sun sets, Pink, Candies Hates : Smoking. Attention seekers. Them  News  Dima  Nepalnews  Mp3  Greetings  Translation Insides Limno. Poems Faces The dudes Family The Prints Get it Aero_Smith Blogskin_s E-mail Spark_Lit Hooked Gurl.com XXX.Cartoons Wave.Mag Funny videos GUESTBOOK I make "friends only" posts for people who care, not fucktards. Your Says Powered by Tag Board What'ld i call u URL or Email Messages & (smilies)
Swami:- Prasid Bhattarai